The Noun

If you’re reading this it means I’m dead.  Kidding!  I hope you still have your sense of humor, Future Self, because I’m going to level with you — right now that’s kind of all you have going.  I really hope this is my five to ten year Future Self, and not my one year, because I’m confident that my five to ten version will be able to laugh.  Not so sure about my one year.

Things are bad now, man.  You took some chances and they didn’t pan out.  That’s Present Me for you, though – a risk taker!  In an effort to “show them” you quit your job with nothing lined up.  I bet in retrospect getting reprimanded for coming in two hours late and parking in the CEO’s spot seems reasonable.  You weren’t there, though.  Larry’s tone was condescending, and it was a big deal at the time. 

Speaking of big deals, what were you thinking ending it with Chase?  Now that I think of it, he was pretty fantastic.  I look to you for answers, F.S., because you’re older, wiser, more mature.  I’m just a silly old kid, and to me, wanting to spend time with your sick grandma seems boring, and I hate to say it, but kind of cliche.

You’re cracking up right now, aren’t you?  I bet you’re sitting in your mansion, doubled over, trying to wrap your head around the notion of “bad times.”  Good for you.  You deserve a good laugh.  With all the hard work you do, plus your daily five am yoga classes, you could use it.   

And hey, I’m sorry about that scar on your forehead.  That was just plain idiotic.  But ’til the day I die, I will stand by the fact that if Mindy didn’t force-feed me that eighth cup of mulled wine I never would have leap-frogged Charlie.  At least not handcuffed.  Although I guess I could have just been acting out because I was getting arrested.  Whatevs.  The point is, I can admit when I’m wrong.  There’s probably, like, really high-tech machinery to laser scars out now though, right?  What, do you just go into a booth and zap, come out scar-free, Jetsons-style?  I bet it’s something like that.  Probably kind of pricey, though.  But with your paychecks, that’s just a drop in the ol’ bucket!  (Assuming modeling/acting/singing still pays well.)  I wonder if you’ve become an aristocrat?  Do you have a butler?  Do you use cloth napkins?  Hey – whatever you do, don’t forget the little people, sister.

All these shenanigans – or should I say lessons – made you/me stronger, didn’t it?  I bet it helped define who you are.  Thanks to Present Me’s devil-may-care ways, you’ve learned so much through trial and error.  That’s why you’re so different now.  Do you still like soy cherry chocolate ice cream from Trader Joe’s?  Do they even make that in the future?  (Note to Current Self – stock up.)  I know you still like Led Zeppelin.  That’s probably the only thing you and I have in common right now. 

Anyway, back to the present.  Well, the past for you.  Charlie finally got WWE SmackDown vs. Raw for Wii, so Mindy and I are going to head over there to do some damage.  Who knows, maybe you’ll get a great story out of it!  Show me a really fancy dinner party you won’t kill at now, girlfriend!  You’re welcome.

-Nicole Fabian

This piece was originally rejected from McSweeney’s.