The Noun

 
- Did you get the new kid?
- Yeah, he was scared, but we got situated.
- How so?
- He’s locked in the closet.
- Interesting.
- He’s been kicking a lot. I figure I’ll let him wear himself out. But, you know, if that doesn’t work Jerry suggested just getting him a pal to play with?
- Have I got the answer to your problem.
- …
- (motions around) Welcome to the kidnapper’s COSTCO my friend.

___________

- Ever notice how everything baby tastes better? Baby carrots, baby corn, veal…
- I wonder how baby-baby tastes?

__________

- …So when the pacifier fell out I just let the dog lick it and stuck it back in. I mean it eats it’s own shit all the time and they say dogs mouths are cleaner than humans, right?
- Sounds about right.
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- Did you see that all these mothers are getting their children sick and not knowing it?
- What do you mean?
- It was on the news, something about strollers being recalled and yarn hats causing skin rashes. Problem is no one seems to know about it.
- Wow, if I were a mom I’d get home and check that out, like, as soon as possible.
- Yeah, I know. How guilty would you feel if your kid was dying and you were just out, like, taking a walk?
___________

- He asked me last night why he was adopted.
- Well that was bound to happen, what did you tell him?
- The therapist said we should tell the truth, so…
- …
- Then he asked me what the definition of sex slave is…I told him he’ll learn soon enough.

___________

- Jimmy asked when Daddy’s coming back.
- Again?
- He’s unrelenting.
- I mean, really. You need to put a cork in that. It’s not healthy.
- I know. I tried to explain.
- Sometimes it’s not easy to realize someone is gone for good.
- He even wanted to take a box of stuff to the police and have one of those bloodhound dogs sniff it out.
- Ohh…that’s precious.
- I just don’t understand what part of “Mommy’s gun can’t be seen by cops” he doesn’t get?
- Some kids just can’t grasp death. Even when they see it with their own eyes.
- I’ll keep trying.

-Amy Pocha