Archive for the ‘Everything in between’ Category
The Chudney Method
During his life, Mr. Chudney Dudley used his knack for cutting corners and trimming time to create the most helpful and thrifty innovations. His latest innovation will certainly save your hard-earned money during times of travel. In just ten easy steps, Mr. Dudley will teach you to travel to China for $40, Russia for $50, or Cuba for $35.
Payments of $25 for the following information should be sent to the following address:
The Chudney Dudley Foundation
3400 Club Dr. #305
LA, CA 90060
WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU HAVE NOT YET SENT YOUR PERSONAL CHECK FOR $25 TO THE DUDLEY FOUNDATION
What follows is the recipe for success:
1) Buy a large suitcase. Do not buy one that is too large to fit in the trunk of a standard-size taxi.
2) Create a safe lining for your suitcase by punching tiny breathing holes in a hefty garbage sack. You do not want your sweat to ruin the lining of your suitcase.
3) Purchase special battery-operated heating socks to keep your feet comfortable during the long flights. Gangrene is not an option.
4) Hire two hulking Southerners from downstairs to carry your suitcase to the waiting cab and give the driver precise instructions.
5) Abstain from eating for seven days (starting two weeks before your planned departure). If you eat even the slightest little morsel of lettuce or a single chick pea, it will come back to bite you something fierce.
6) After the week of self-imposed starvation give up all liquids except water until arrival at your destination. You may drink from the tap, bottle, or creek, but stay away from any sort of simple or complex carbohydrate. One sip could be more deadly than the pea.
7) During this second week of starvation and first week of abstaining from liquids you must begin to take the pills. The pills can be obtained from Chudney’s sister’s boyfriend. He is a gentle gentleman and you should not be afraid when purchasing the product. He will warn you that, “These little wonders will rip you a new one.” Do not pay any heed, even though you have no use for a new one, nor the pain that must be involved when getting it ripped. Your whole system will be stripped, scrubbed, and flushed into your slacks. You will find objects you never knew you had ever eaten. Do not be alarmed if you find a plastic toad, a lime green lego, or a fist-sized hunk of chewing gum. Once your system is flushed, you will be relieved of the desire to excrete.
8 You must take up meditation. Any form will suffice. It is only through meditation that you can be at 100% peace while your ankles rub your ear lobes and your right hand is placed firmly between your shanks and your lumbar. Without this important ability to escape into a world of cherry blossoms and milky way bars you will definitely not be able to tolerate the dislocation of your left shoulder or the swallowing of the tongue.
9) Once you are fully prepared you must enter the suitcase. Remember it will be your home for the next few days. Respect it.
10) Devise a method of emerging from the suitcase; this is key.
NOTE: IF ALL STEPS ARE NOT FOLLOWED THE DUDLEY FOUNDATION WILL NOT BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR ANY MISHAPS OR MISFORTUNES.
If you’re reading this it means I’m dead. Kidding! I hope you still have your sense of humor, Future Self, because I’m going to level with you — right now that’s kind of all you have going. I really hope this is my five to ten year Future Self, and not my one year, because I’m confident that my five to ten version will be able to laugh. Not so sure about my one year.
Things are bad now, man. You took some chances and they didn’t pan out. That’s Present Me for you, though – a risk taker! In an effort to “show them” you quit your job with nothing lined up. I bet in retrospect getting reprimanded for coming in two hours late and parking in the CEO’s spot seems reasonable. You weren’t there, though. Larry’s tone was condescending, and it was a big deal at the time.
Speaking of big deals, what were you thinking ending it with Chase? Now that I think of it, he was pretty fantastic. I look to you for answers, F.S., because you’re older, wiser, more mature. I’m just a silly old kid, and to me, wanting to spend time with your sick grandma seems boring, and I hate to say it, but kind of cliche.
You’re cracking up right now, aren’t you? I bet you’re sitting in your mansion, doubled over, trying to wrap your head around the notion of “bad times.” Good for you. You deserve a good laugh. With all the hard work you do, plus your daily five am yoga classes, you could use it.
And hey, I’m sorry about that scar on your forehead. That was just plain idiotic. But ’til the day I die, I will stand by the fact that if Mindy didn’t force-feed me that eighth cup of mulled wine I never would have leap-frogged Charlie. At least not handcuffed. Although I guess I could have just been acting out because I was getting arrested. Whatevs. The point is, I can admit when I’m wrong. There’s probably, like, really high-tech machinery to laser scars out now though, right? What, do you just go into a booth and zap, come out scar-free, Jetsons-style? I bet it’s something like that. Probably kind of pricey, though. But with your paychecks, that’s just a drop in the ol’ bucket! (Assuming modeling/acting/singing still pays well.) I wonder if you’ve become an aristocrat? Do you have a butler? Do you use cloth napkins? Hey – whatever you do, don’t forget the little people, sister.
All these shenanigans – or should I say lessons – made you/me stronger, didn’t it? I bet it helped define who you are. Thanks to Present Me’s devil-may-care ways, you’ve learned so much through trial and error. That’s why you’re so different now. Do you still like soy cherry chocolate ice cream from Trader Joe’s? Do they even make that in the future? (Note to Current Self – stock up.) I know you still like Led Zeppelin. That’s probably the only thing you and I have in common right now.
Anyway, back to the present. Well, the past for you. Charlie finally got WWE SmackDown vs. Raw for Wii, so Mindy and I are going to head over there to do some damage. Who knows, maybe you’ll get a great story out of it! Show me a really fancy dinner party you won’t kill at now, girlfriend! You’re welcome.
This piece was originally rejected from McSweeney’s.