Archive for the ‘Love’ Category
I was planning on doing it before all this, I swear. I’ll let you
look at my diary and you can read the entry entitled “Reasons to Break
Up with Nelson.” The date is two weeks before this happened. The
thing is, there is other stuff in there I’d rather you not read. I
make fun of you. A lot. And I don’t want to add insult to injury by
letting you read such hurtful things. It’s just, after you came back
from London you referred to a parking lot as “dodgy.” You were there
for a week! It made me very un-attracted to you, and I needed to get
it out, you know, vent. Sue me for taking the “healthy” approach!
And now that we’re on the subject of honesty, I must admit, I was
never really into this a hundred percent. What? Don’t look at me
like you’re better than me. I’m putting it all out there and it’s not
easy. This is how it went: On our first date, I was unsure, but
decided to give you another shot. First dates are hard to tell. Then
on our second date you made a bit of a comeback. I liked your t-shirt
– faded black with the word “Inferno” printed unobtrusively in gold in
the corner. It looked like it was really yours from long ago, not
something you bought at Goodwill. Of course, this falsely advertised
that you were naturally hip. Also, you paid for dinner again. Nice
touch. Generally, our conversation was pleasant and I welcomed the
idea of seeing you again. The third date, though. That was rough.
You drank too much, I drank more, and we more or less established the
fact that the only thing we have in common is that we both like the
hit ABC show, “Lost.” (You like the bald guy though, and I like
Matthew Fox. See? We can’t even agree on that.) I brought you back
to my place, laid on top of you and kissed you hard and sloppy.
Cheryl convinced me to “see where it goes.”
Now here we are years later living together and I have to admit, I’m
“just not that into you.” I’ve been giving things a lot of thought
lately. I went to a meditation class last Sunday with Cheryl, and it
came to me that we should spend some time apart. Pran, my Guru
(that’s instructor), agrees. ”One cannot flourish when attached to
another.” I need to flourish! It will be good for both of us.
Especially now with your oldest friend in a coma, you could probably
use some “me time.” No one bothering you, etc. It will allow you to
take a look inside, re-evaluate what’s important to you. I know I
sometimes like to be alone when I’m going through something. And look
at me! Am I not equipped to deal with any problem the world throws at
me? You will be too!
And don’t think for a second that this has anything to do with the
fact that Chase and I have been talking again. I’m just being a good
friend, as I pride myself to be. He’s a mess from Jackie ending
things, and needs someone to talk to. I’m sorry, but I’m not the kind
of person who hangs my friends out to dry. God.
Please. Don’t think I’m a bitch. I know it may seem that way, but
it’s only because I’m putting myself first for once. You’re not used
to that. I feel suffocated lately, trapped, and I think you do too.
I’m doing you a favor here. Watch, you’ll thank me. It wouldn’t be
fair to stay with you just because you have “issues” right now. It
would be a complete sham of a relationship. And I know you don’t want
Previously published in McSweeney’s
If you’re reading this it means I’m dead. Kidding! I hope you still have your sense of humor, Future Self, because I’m going to level with you — right now that’s kind of all you have going. I really hope this is my five to ten year Future Self, and not my one year, because I’m confident that my five to ten version will be able to laugh. Not so sure about my one year.
Things are bad now, man. You took some chances and they didn’t pan out. That’s Present Me for you, though – a risk taker! In an effort to “show them” you quit your job with nothing lined up. I bet in retrospect getting reprimanded for coming in two hours late and parking in the CEO’s spot seems reasonable. You weren’t there, though. Larry’s tone was condescending, and it was a big deal at the time.
Speaking of big deals, what were you thinking ending it with Chase? Now that I think of it, he was pretty fantastic. I look to you for answers, F.S., because you’re older, wiser, more mature. I’m just a silly old kid, and to me, wanting to spend time with your sick grandma seems boring, and I hate to say it, but kind of cliche.
You’re cracking up right now, aren’t you? I bet you’re sitting in your mansion, doubled over, trying to wrap your head around the notion of “bad times.” Good for you. You deserve a good laugh. With all the hard work you do, plus your daily five am yoga classes, you could use it.
And hey, I’m sorry about that scar on your forehead. That was just plain idiotic. But ’til the day I die, I will stand by the fact that if Mindy didn’t force-feed me that eighth cup of mulled wine I never would have leap-frogged Charlie. At least not handcuffed. Although I guess I could have just been acting out because I was getting arrested. Whatevs. The point is, I can admit when I’m wrong. There’s probably, like, really high-tech machinery to laser scars out now though, right? What, do you just go into a booth and zap, come out scar-free, Jetsons-style? I bet it’s something like that. Probably kind of pricey, though. But with your paychecks, that’s just a drop in the ol’ bucket! (Assuming modeling/acting/singing still pays well.) I wonder if you’ve become an aristocrat? Do you have a butler? Do you use cloth napkins? Hey – whatever you do, don’t forget the little people, sister.
All these shenanigans – or should I say lessons – made you/me stronger, didn’t it? I bet it helped define who you are. Thanks to Present Me’s devil-may-care ways, you’ve learned so much through trial and error. That’s why you’re so different now. Do you still like soy cherry chocolate ice cream from Trader Joe’s? Do they even make that in the future? (Note to Current Self – stock up.) I know you still like Led Zeppelin. That’s probably the only thing you and I have in common right now.
Anyway, back to the present. Well, the past for you. Charlie finally got WWE SmackDown vs. Raw for Wii, so Mindy and I are going to head over there to do some damage. Who knows, maybe you’ll get a great story out of it! Show me a really fancy dinner party you won’t kill at now, girlfriend! You’re welcome.
This piece was originally rejected from McSweeney’s.